迷失的老美

All the sadness melted away. Funny how Japan managed to do that to me. It was raining a little when I left, it always does that when I leave a place I love for some reason. I hopped into a cab on Chubu’s dime and rode it for 8000yen to the airport shuttle stop at Nagoya eki. A bus was there momentarily for some odd reason. Screw giving me a chance to wander around and get all nostalgic about this familiar place, it was time to get the hell out. The bus took an hour to get to the new airport and I was there by 10am. I made my way to the Air China counter and then had to wait till 11 for them to open, but, I was the first in line. A note about the new airport. All counters are staffed by JAL now, despite the actual company you are flying with. This means that they cared about my luggage being overweight… they care 18,000 yen worth and that was only because I was able to beg them not to care 27,000 yen worth. Air China never cares, but, still in Japan, so, that’s the way it goes. In reality, I was about 23k over, but they decided to give me 10 extra and then knock off the 3 so I didn’t get stuck paying for 20k worth. This meant that even if I went to the post office to mail stuff instead, I would have to essentially ship 23k worth via EMS and that would have been much much more costly. No choice, just pay the leeches and be done with it. Unfortunately, it was raining much harder in Beijing and the flight that was going to leave at 1 had not yet even left Beijing, our flight got delayed until 4:30 and there was nothing we could do but wait. The update for boarding didn’t come till around 2, and that is when the fun began.

This had already been an annoying day, a day I didn’t want to begin with, but then it got more fun. In Japan, us gaijin who stay longer than 90 days have to apply for and carry at all times an ID card known as Certificate of Alien Registration, aka Gaijin Card. We also have to return this card when we leave the country. Well, I had carried this damn thing around for a year, and it is my only real photo ID apart from my passport that might be useful… I was sort of attached to it. The guy asked if I was done with my studies in Japan, I foolishly said yes, and then he demanded the card. I saw this coming. I should have said that I lost it, or lost my wallet a few days ago, or something along those lines, but, I was stupid and wanted to test the system for Ron. I said that I applied for it, but never picked it up. WRONG ANSWER. Never ever ever say this. He denied me exit from the country and sent me to the immigration office. My Passport has a stamp in it that says I applied for the card, and that was all the proof they needed on their end. I was already caught in a good lie and could not go back on it. After much debate, yelling, and attempts at logic, I got to write an apology to Japan explaining why I did not have the card to return, sign it, and then the guy in the immigration office gave me my “departed” stamp. This took about an hour, but, I got to keep my card, and I had nothing better to do anyways. The flight was uneventful, although I ended up next to a Chinese student who had also been through Chubu a few years back and knew Ueda Sensei. We landed in Beijing, and I went through the motions. Long walk, fill out forms, get my temperature taken, stand in line, get a stamp, walk some more, find the baggage claim, wait for luggage to show up, fight off assholes who want 10kuai to push a cart, make my way to an ATM, fight off fuckers trying to get me into their hotel, fight off fuckers who are trying to give me a “good deal” on money exchange, fight off fuckers trying to get me into their fake cabs, and then wait in another line for a taxi. I am at the front of the line, 2 cabs show up, a 1.2 and a 2kuai, and of course, they do their best to force the 2 on me… fuckers. I just stand there and wait for a new 1.6 to show up and I get in that. Yes, this is China, I am actually arguing with them over what, in the end, would have amounted to MAYBE $1 difference. In Japan, I pissed 100yen away like it was nothing… that shit stops now. In the cab, I am now faced with this question “qu nar?”. Shit… I need something fast, “xian zai dao beidaximer, buguo wo dei gei wo pengyou da dian hua, ta neng gaosu ni zenme zuo, haoba?”.

The problems I faced in Beijing was now this. I did not have a hotel reservation. I had planned to hop in a cab from the airport, come to Beida, and play it by ear from there. It was now almost 7pm and the office was empty, oh fuck. Wanglaoshi was cool enough to find me a hotel that was decently priced (although horribly far from Haidian) and that is where I now sit. There are a lot of tourist types around here, which I don’t like, because it means that the locals get looks of panic whenever I come close. Fear of the English. They seem relieved when I speak Putonghua with them. I have mostly just been relaxing here now, last night I was able to meet up with Quishi, Yanan, and Yangfei to go to dinner and drop off 2 suitcases at Quishi’s house. Today, I need to get over to Beiwai, find out what’s what, and then pop into a Bank of China and open an international account so my money stops vanishing at 0.3% per day (thank you very much for killing that peg 2 weeks before I come fuckers).

To all my friends in Japan… I miss you, more than you can imagine, but this is my life and it is a broken life, pause one aspect, continue another. I will be back as soon as I get the chance though.

The room, is clean, I am packed, and I took my long walk on my last last night here with Mary… Chubu is really on a very large hill, with lots of stairs. The only thing left to do now is throw out a box of trash, and get rid of my bottle collection.. so much wine that was. Cheap, shitty 500yen wine that got the job done at the time. Then I wait till 8 for my taxi, say goodbye, and begin/continue a life put on hold… again. The only good thing coming out of this is that many of my Chinese friends will be coming back to China soon and we can meet up there some time. Aring will be in Beijing on the 6th and 7th on business, might be able to see her too. It’s going to suck being at that airport for 3-4 hours though… gah. 3 suitcases, 1 duffel bag, 1 backpack, and one small bag of stuff to carry on. 13kg of printed matter (and other shit I hid in there) in 3 boxes sent 3rd class via ship to the US. This is my life? It sums it up right now it seems. Just enough stuff to make life a hassle, not too much as to weigh me down completely, but enough to keep my hands full.

Again, everything in the world I care about that I can carry is packed up into an assortment of luggage. I am ready to go, yet, I never will be ready. Earlier tonight, Emi came over and I used the rest of my flour, oregano, etc to make one last pizza and teach her how, like I promised a long time ago. Weird stuff like non-olive oil and kimchi went into that pizza, and it was damned good for some reason. She has been a true friend and I am going to miss her. Good news though… the travel agency that handled the Okinawa trip is returning 1man to each of us for the tickets on the return trip. I don’t know… I just can’t handle this moving shit anymore… staying just long enough to get something that resembles a life, then ripping it away to start fresh again somewhere else. Over and over again…

Let’s see… what else. I also gave away the George Foreman to the Gotos, because it is a bitch to pack around, and I sold what remained of the E500… a vintage from MSOE to Hard Off for a whopping sum of 1000 yen! The only thing they saw value in was the memory and the drives. So long you piece of shit!

7 hours 30 minutes
already crying

So, to bring you up to speed on events.
Yanying’s computer broke, I fixed it, and then the hard drive died and we spent all day dealing with NEC on getting it fixed before she leaves. I went to a final party for all of us and got horribly drunk. Two days ago me, Emi, and Ron got together for a final party… if the slut Umeka had been there it would have been a full circle of the events that started the year. We all graduated from the program here on the 30th and have nice big certificates to show for it. I dealt with a travel agent in China over MSN to buy my tickets home and back. But, that’s not what this post is about, that’s just stuff.

To be rational, it has to be because time is up now. To put it simply, I’m almost in tears over leaving this place. For better and for worse, it has been “home” to me for the last year. Reflecting on this, I have come to realize that for last 7 years since leaving DG, I have never really felt at home anywhere. It has always been temporary. Moved after the first year of High School, and I realized it would only be “home” for the next 3 years. I didn’t know anyone, nor did I really want to know anyone. Going back, I have a handful of friends who are sometimes around, but it’s not home. Milwaukee started to feel like home after MSOE, and I went back to UWM for it. But, I was eager to leave, for as “nice” as it is, Milwaukee fucking sucks and is a shithole. Beijing became my new home after the summer, I love it, I don’t know why, but it hurts everytime I leave it. I have friends there and a future. Japan has been home for the last year now as well. I have learned the system, my Japanese is good enough to do much more than survive here, and if I just stop being critical of it, I love it here. Sure, there is fucked up shit, just like anywhere else (a completely different scale that you have to see to believe though), but, in time, You come to accept it and it’s not so bad anymore. Now, it’s time to leave here, not for the winter, but for a long time, and I don’t know when I am coming back. I am leaving home yet again, and it sucks. In short, I feel as if I have no home, and maybe that is what I have been searching for for the last 4 years under the guise of college. All I am doing anymore is making great friends and lives in far away lands that do nothing but give me grief when I leave. I can claim 5 lives to my name now. One in DG, one in STC, one in Milwaukee, another in Beijing, and now, a fifth one in Japan. 4 must go on hold to live one at all times. DG, well, it is in the past, I can live with only a few visits there now, same goes with STC for the most part, and Milwaukee is a shithole heh. That leaves me now with 2 that I care deeply about and it pains me that the two are incompatible due to prolonged historical reasons.

If you can’t tell by now, I have been packing. Going through layers of what can best be classed as “accumulated stuff” that I will never be able to part with. I dig deeper and more memories come to mind, both good and bad ones. But, that’s in the past and even the bad ones can be laughed at now and remembered fondly. I will miss the train rides, the hikes up the damned hill that this campus is on, sneaking in through the window because the curfew is too early, the overpriced everything… I will miss Emi, all of my hostfamilies, my Japanese classmates, Japanese friends in the dorm, the friends I got a chance to meet and the ones I never found time to see. Oddly though, many of my friends are the Chinese, and even if I managed to find some way to stay here, things would never be the same without them, so, I must move on and find a new corner of the world to call home for the time being. I feel old, and I just want to find home again. The sad thing, is that in reality, I probably never will, and that hurts more than anything. Surrogate homes, but never a permanent one it seems. I will come back to Japan, in the same respect that I will come back to STC. The simple fact is that I never made STC my home, someone else made it for me, so it is not mine. I MADE DGN, Milwaukee, Beijing, and now Japan my home, through my own blood sweat and tears they are mine. I came back to China for winter while in Japan, I may have to do the same for Japan while in China… to keep me sane.

I leave for the airport at 8am tomorrow morning, 19 hours 45 mintues, and it’s just getting harder.