有可能是因为春节要马上到。。 但我最近有些奇怪的回忆。我还在北京，有自己的生活，但还没找到我的那个她。长大了，但有可能都是装的。
以前我有了一个很明确的目标，但现在只有我的小猫，只有我的工作。我的工作很不错，有时候不太喜欢，但that quickly passes。真不错的，我有未来在中国。。。但是什么未来？寂寞的未来？。。。真不知道。
很想回家，但同时我不想回家。我太矛盾的。我家在哪儿？以为了在美国，以为了在密尔沃基，以为了在礼州，我还以为在北京么？北京就是个很大的农村。人人都很热情的，但他们都有自己的动机，我才能相信谁？去年太困难了，还没好。Just want to settle down, just want to get my life more on track. 挣钱有什么有用？买东西？买车？买房子？为什么？以为了我终于找到了，错了。然后就再找了。。又错了。
现在我就想回家睡一两年。她要回来？肯定不回。我能再找？那也是不一定的。人是对的，时间就是错的。我就赢不了。
想回去去年，再试一试，但不可能。完全不可能。那个生活。。。拿不了，没办法，算了吧。
2006年，这么奇怪的年，好快好慢得个过了个年。
去了成都和西昌，发现到了我爱吃川菜，也发现到了北京菜都是垃圾。
真痛取代了真爱
买了一只猫，一直陪我的猫，一直爱我（给她饭）的猫
我决定了北外不能给我什么好的未来。。离开了
找到了工作。广告公司？项目经理？之前我没想到我会做这样的，但越来越觉得和我比较适合的。
搬家了到自己的房子 （之前没有了自己的。。。好幸福的感觉）
过期了签证（232天哈哈，故事这么长，不要在这儿写，如果你想知道，给我联系），结果是我第一次的罚款在中国，另外一个结果是警察当了好友。
去了香港换签证。 访问，旅游，学生，就业。。。但还没有顶住的 
买了个面包机！！！ 我要自己做面包 ^_^
买了猫爬架因为我疯了
有可能再找到了一个喜欢的人。。。 好友都说“慢慢来”。我知道这样最好。这次我要听话，不要再错了，不要再浪费感性。。。 受不了了上次的痛，下次能杀我。
我差不多习惯了现在的生活。我恨北京，但还能忍受。 只需要一些好人在身边帮我。
我变了。今天同时看到了我跟我们卖主的聊天。他说不像老外写的。。。 我是什么人呢？ 不是美国人，但也不是中国人。大部分老外很笨，所以我也不是那样子的。我是什么？迷失的老美 ~_~
重要的日期：
1月18号：该死的项目需要做完了。。。 之后我不想帮这个客户
2月17号：春节，呆一两周在美国，回家。。。可怕的，上次我受不了了美国，有了旅游者的感觉。不是我家，没有家的味道，没有家的气味，没有家的感觉。就不是我的家。还想一些东西，也想家人/朋友，但除了那些以外，就不在乎。没有KTV，没有好吃的，生活太无聊，人太笨。“回家”有“回中国”的意思。
3月11号：签证过期了，应该早点申请新的
通知：
我知道，我错了。我住在中国，上班在中国，我靠。。。我的生活就在中国，所以我应该写一些帖子在中国的语言！恩，我错了。大 家，你听我嘛，如果你看不懂之后的帖子因为我写中文，那是你的错。。。 我有很多朋友在中国常看这个博客（记录让我知道），他们的英语水平不够完全明白我写的帖子，应该认为他们的感觉多一点。 一下我给老外一个简单简单的翻译（非常不一样，但他们是鬼子，所以百分之九十九注意不到）
Notice:
I am going to write in Chinese more on this thing. Mainly because it is my blog and i can, but also because I have too many friends here who cannot read English all that well and they would like to be able to read my blog. （小小的骗子 哈哈）
I started off last year thinking I knew exactly where life was taking me. I thought it was all laid out in front of me and that was that. Well, I was wrong, and in April it all came to pass. This was actually good for me. It was one of the best things that could have happened to me actually. In reality, I was going nowhere at the time. I had no steady job, was always running out of money because I was a student, and the more graduates of Beiwai that I met, the more I realized that I was getting nothing out of the school that I wanted. Most just become English teachers who are in general, scum who want to kill themselves by 40. I wanted more out of life and ran off to prove to myself and those around me that I was not just all talk. 3 months and many interviews later, I made the decision to leave Beiwai. Meaningful part time work just does not exist here. To get anything that means anything requires full time. I don’t regret this decision. I hated Beiwai. I was staying for one person really and not much more. The classes are a horrible waste of time, and the teaching methods are set in the past, nothing modern really. The hassle to get anything done is obscene. One issue can take an entire day to resolve, and in the end you are back where you started. It was the first time that I actually enjoyed moving. I needed change. Somewhere with restaurants that didn’t know me, somewhere fresh without memories. I got a job and learned my role, still learning it actually, but it’s getting easier and better. This is what I want out of life, a future that means something. At Beiwai, I never would have gotten that. Sorry Sophie, we met at the wrong time this life, I wasn’t ready to grow up yet, and you had too much baggage already. Maybe next life we will meet again and it will work. Still I sometimes regret what happened, but it forced me to grow up for whatever reason I told myself at the time… I needed that kick in the ass to get myself together and stop being a child. So, in the end, if that’s all I got from it, despite the pain, it was worth it and I would do it all over again even knowing the outcome.
Well, the dorms were fun, simply because of all the fun rules that were constantly broken. Cooking in the kitchen meant that you risked your stuff being stolen, and Etienne was not allowed, but no one knew about her until I screwed up and reported a leaking AC unit in my room. Thus began the non-stop nagging by the staff to get rid of her. Get rid of her? Never. This was also a motivation to move. Another motivation to move was that as I was no longer a student and they were tearing up the floor (after renovating it… great planning there), I had no access to another dorm even though I had already paid through the summer. I had all of 3 days notice to move, so I settled into my apartment over on the East side of town… my new start.
Work has taught me more than I ever would have gotten out of Beiwai, and forced me to grow up more. I have been actually enjoying this process. Having enough money to have fun, live, and save most of it is a great experience. I have found someone I like again, but this time will be far more careful… I learned a lot from the first time and will not repeat the same mistakes again (no matter how fun they were at the time).
Speaking of work, I am about to get my work permit, which in combination with my visa makes my emplyment here 100% legal. I also finally purchased a few things that I had been wanting. A bread machine so I can FINALLY have bread that does not make me ill to think about much less eat, a heater that actually gives out some airflow, and a cat tree for etienne (which is far too large)
I started new years by bringing over some bread to the person who helped me buy the bread machine, then we went to hotpot in xidan, followed by getting through midnight at houhai. I had my Cuban cigar (silly america and it’s silly laws… yet another felony for me!), and introduced some new friends to Mojitos. We ran off to a KTV till 7am and had champaign and good times. This was the best new years I have had in a long time and I can only hope it is a prelude to a good year.
I changed out all my lights in my apartment as well. Seriously, FUCK flourescent lighting. I don’t care how much power it saves, it is horrible. When I turn on my lights, it is because I WANT LIGHT. Not humming, not a sterile hospital-like feeling, just LIGHT. So long 3, 5, and 7 watt “bulbs” of hate, hello 100W lights which make me feel more at home. I also finally found a source for the inset lights which have been burned out since before I moved in. Still have 4 more to replace, but already the change is drastic. 1 more small one for the bookcase, 3 more for the room, and then 4 more in the bathroom which is going to take some effort to find.
I also have started my hunt for supplies in modifying a washing machine to not suck. I am NOT paying $500+ for a washing machine that can use cold AND hot water. Seriously, fuck that. I found the virtues of hot water when I was searching for some stuff in the balcony storage. Great design this place has. The windows get covered in condensation, the condensation collects in the window tracks, and then pours into the cabinets… this results in much mildew all over everything. I jerry rigged my washing machine to use hot instead of cold water and the difference is that everything that went into it is clean… clean as in, I took “washed” clothes, washed them with hot water, and the water was brown. Now I need to find a way to control this better. I currently can only have hot hot hot, or cold cold cold water going into the machine. I need to find a good plumbing supplier who can MAKE (yes, that’s right, what I need does not exist) a dual-headed water intake with a flow control on the Y-intersection that lets me set the temperature…. turning a $30 machine into one with the same functionality as a $500 one.
Happy new years, hoping that 2007 helps me forget the second half of 2006.